We currently live in a state where we are so busy with our daily hustle that we no longer pause to see if we are moving ahead or just running in circles. Have we become slaves to the cycle of measuring ourselves by productivity and output and no longer quantifying the quality? Being busy will take your mind away from some nagging feelings you may have, but it is ultimately a bandage, not the ointment, actually, to remove the issue or heal the wound.
I am definitely busy the whole day with so many versions I have created for every need, but am I really growing? The answer may not be as simple as it appears
1. Am I moving, but in which direction?
I am constantly in motion. Keep on moving to meet the deadlines at work, moving to complete the house chores, shuffling to make sure the juggle is successful between minding the kids, the home, the job and the expectations of all the relationships. But would I name this growth? Am I creating my legacy, or is that a trauma for myself and all those who care about me?
2. The invisible load
As women, we all carry an invisible load. Our mind is shared by the entire family. I still remember the paper that lies in the second drawer on my bedside and the 7th page has this line etc.…
Why are we carrying this load around? The onus of planning, remembering and managing the household and meeting the expectations of the rest of the family falls on the woman. When the word itself says unity, co-operation, love, isn’t that what family is all about? The exhaustion from all of this is sometimes considered as laziness.
I am not able to decide if I should move my body, my mind or just move to complete the long to-do list?
3. What if motivation does not come?
I have been waiting for something to move me, something to tell me that I am enough that I will find a way out of all this. What if I don’t find motivation anymore, but do I need motivation? The constant battle between time vs energy management pulls me further down in the darkness. The time I wish I could spend on doing something I like or on something that will improve my skills, I spend on thinking about what to cook.
4. What is the ultimate cost of postponing?
In all of this, what is the cost to me? I am 42 years old and still feel like I am running out of time. I am no longer the person I imagined myself to be. People say age is just a number, but this whole thing did a number on me! Every day I postpone myself, form my identity and it teaches people around me to take me for granted and assures them that my needs, my dreams, and my growth come last.
After the emotional exhaustion, the freeze response, and the guilt kick in, and it never ends. Willpower can only take you so far. The gentle structure, discipline and being consistent are the only way I can move ahead and grow. Where I move to not complete the to- do list but enjoy my life guilt-free. To be able to say that I have grown, I have achieved some of my dreams and I aim for higher success. I definitely do not need a new life. I need to make space for things that nourish my mind too in my headspace and definitely not be crowded by the expectations!
A mother of two, Preeti Bhandari is a colloquial writer. She believes in simple living which reflects in her writings. As the Editor of Narisakti, she intends to use her vast experience to propel this platform to a cult status among entrepreneurial networks. When not writing she is quilling, both with paper and thoughts.